By holding free and fair elections where a policeman stands behind people in the voting booth and beat the shit out of them if they don't vote for me!
I lost my election, but luckily my public are too stupid to count!
By skilfully eliminating my opponents until there were no one else to vote for but me!
By waiting and letting my opponents become more and more useless until there were no one else to vote for but me!
Election? What's that?
Elections are for sissies! I fought for my damn place!
Compared to the others, my election was almost fair!

Jews.
Muslims.
White people.
Capitalists.
Americans.
Students.
Farmyard animals.
The British, Americans and the Kurds (but mostly Kurds, as the other two have a nasty habit of shooting back with guns bigger then mine).
"Terrorists" meaning "whoever is pissing me off at the time".
Jews, Christians, the West, the East, capitalists, communists, woman and all the others who aren't as clearly insane as I am!

By holding big, impressive rallies.
By waving a towel around and beating up women.
I steal land from people and call it "a strike against colonial oppression" or some bullshit like that.
I just say, "Be happy or I'll shoot you!"
By holding an approval-rating poll consisting entirely of the small group of people who don't think I'm a cretin. Then use that to call the people who think I'm an idiot "unpatriotic".
Why whip up support? Everybody loves me already! ... Don't they?

Clean shaven.
A big moustache.
A silly little moustache.
Big, bushy beard that makes me look like a tramp.

Yes.
Yes and I write poems too!
No.
Well I wrote a book but it was hardly a best seller!
I read a book once! I didn't like it so I never did it again!

A fat guy and a thin shifty guy with funny glasses.
A spiteful old cripple who has sillier facial hair then I do!
Whoever doesn't like Americans is my friend!
I was friends with this Austrian midget before he turned on me!
Friends? I think I had them all shot!
Shady oil companies.
Other tin-pot dictators.
Everyone is my friend!

In a big house.
In a terraced house where my neighbour plots against me!
In a palace.
In a big house in the mountains.
In a cave in the mountains.

Oh, no real preference. As long as it makes people dead I'm cool with it!
Guns I bought off the people I'm shooting at!
Hideously expensive high-tech weapons that don't work or have little use.
Rockets.
Biological/chemical weapons.
Nukes!!!
Big Sticks.
Rocks.
Hideously expensive high-tech weapons that don't work or have little use… Well they were high-tech 30-40 years ago. Now we use big sticks and rocks!

I love it!
It's okay, but I like threatening to shot people better!
Who needs it? I don't! The press can say whatever they like as it won't make any difference!

Suit and tie.
Military attire.
By the looks of it, a dirty old bed sheet and a towel!

The tide of popular opinion is going against me no matter how much I persecute the people so I can't see myself being here too long.
Looking at past history, I'm pretty safe for now I guess. People plot against me but most of them are stupid!
Until I run out of wars to fight, I'll still get the "stupid" vote.
I might be out of power now but I'll be back! … If all my men don't run away again that is!
"I'll be back" too… no wait… no I won't! I'm dead!
People have already got sick of me and kicked me out!
Until there's someone to really oppose me I'll be here forever! I can do what the fuck I like and there's NOTHING you can do about it! BAWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! … Sorry.

Gas them and burn them!
Lock them up in tiny cages!
Build a road over their bones!
Chop their heads off!
Starve them!
Get thugs to make them "go away"!
Shooty, shooty!
Bury them in my back garden for anyone to find and link me to! Doh!
My "problems" are too busy fighting each other or are just sad whiners, so I don't have to do anything!
I try to give them lung cancer by selling them all cigars!